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So I've started this new campaign. It's rather ingenious. I call it, "Everywhere you want to be." I've clued J in on the fact that I've told my side of the tale to several of his little friends and now he knows that I'm also posting on the ACen forum. My plan is to let him know that anything he can do...I can do better. And much more WyKeDer....
What do you think?
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My, my, my…how thing’s seem to have changed. An air of serenity has befallen the apartment. I think all of J’s bragging writes have been stripped. Do you think that he has gotten wind that Dracula has actually eaten his own words and apologized? Do you think the boy-God has actually been stricken by the teensiest bit of remorse? Hmmm. Hmmm?
Well the weekend is drawing to a close. Me and J have been mum on the whole, "He wants to go home but doesn't know how to broach it" subject. I came home Friday with a conviction to end things between us but emphasis that he could stay and help out if he wanted. I don't think he would have accepted that option on a long time scale. Perhaps he would stay a week or so to give his job warning. But when I finally got home, I had a complete change of heart. It was kind of odd. It was like a total other person was in control. I was looking out the bus window and a word flashed through my mind. Winter. I spelled it in the condensation of the bus window, "Wynter." I thought it you, WyKed. I thought it was something that she was trying to do to reassert herself. But I don't think it was her.
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J has said that he has been developing new personalities. Perhaps Wynter is one of my own personalities? She has a cool persona, a giggly, "Devil may care" personality. She is different from you Wyked in that she isn't trying to scheme. She isn't thinking of what to do to be on top. She's thinking of what to do to be happy. She's like a hippy!
So when I got home, I was bouncing off the walls. It was like I was on drugs. I wanted to take a walk. J was pretty suspicious but he came along and we walked around the park in the cold. I was burning hot though and just bubbling over with energy. J was reserved. He wanted to drink that night but I was so hyper I was dizzy most of the night and couldn't really stay sitted upright. Seriously, it was like I was on drugs.
On my journal, we have been chatting off and on through an entry entitled, "Devil be Gone." I made it private finally, so only J and I can see it because it was getting personal. He accused me of airing our dirty laundry in public. I accuse him of doing that a lot on the ACEN forum, which is more public. He agreed but his defense is that he sees several of those people as close friends and willing to help him out in his "disasterous" relationship problems. He has hinted in chat logs that he has showed me, that his friends are tired of his complaining about his relationship and THIS is my fault to. Of course, if I wasn't in his life, he would have nothing to complain about.
So now it's Sunday. He's asleep. And I'm about to bear another week. Can we make it?
Here I set, upset, confused, and feeling utterly like a sucker. I feel like I have given Justin everything he asked for. I realized the mistakes I made and I have tried...patiently, patiently I've tried...to make things right. I have changed the way I think, the way I act, the way I live! Nothing is good enough. He still wants to leave! He yearns to leave! He looks at Rockford like it's his jewel in the rough. Like it's some kind of shangrala! Like it's salvation for pity's sake! Why can't he see that the devil takes many forms and as tempting as no worries and no bills may sound that there is always a catch??? When will he stop looking for the better deal? Why can't he live and learn and grow?
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Why am I putting up with this.